IT USED TO BE JAMES MARK AITKEN AND CHERRY BELINDA BROCK
BUT THAT ALL CHANGED WHEN MUM WORE THE WHITE FROCK
OVER 30 YEARS AGO THEY BOTH SAID ‘ I DO’
AND 30 YEARS LATER THE WORDS STILL RING TRUE.
CHERRY BELINDA CAME FROM THE TOWN BOVEY TRACEY
IF SHE WAS BORN HERE NOW, SHE’D BE SHARON OR STACEY.
JAMES MARK WAS BORN IN A SMALL VILLAGE NEAR CALCUTTA
POPPADUMS AND CURRY WAS HIS BREAD AND BUTTER.
THEY THEN SETTLED IN LONDON LIKE THE ROMANTIC STORIES
DAD SELLING FAGS, MUM WORKING FOR THE TORIES
AND IN A BASEMENT FLAT THEY SCRIMPED AND SAVED
AND NOW LOOK AT THE DOSH THE OLD MAN HAS MADE.
A FEW YEARS WENT BY IN MARITAL BLISS
BUT LITTLE SCREECHERS THEY SOON DID MISS.
SO IT WAS WITH NO SURPRISE THAT IN THE YEAR 69
JULIUS JAMES JOINED THE AITKEN LINE.
A CURIOUS LITTLE CREATURE HE ADDED TO THE NOISE
AS THE ELDEST, HE WAS THE LUCKY SOD WITH ALL THE NEW TOYS
MUM WAS DELIGHTED AND MADE PLANS FOR A SECOND
DAD MORE CONCERNED WITH THE SQUASH MATCH THAT BECKONED.
BUT EMILY WAS PRODUCED WITH HEROIC BATTLE
THE ONLY KID THAT COULD OUTSCREAM THE RATTLE.
SO, THUS, WE CAME TO THE END OF THE YEAR ‘71
AND SOON THE YOUNG FAMILY WERE OFF TO THE SUN.
SO OFF IT WAS TO CYPRUS WITH DAD’S PROMOTION
KIDS, NAPPIES, TENNIS RACKETS AND SUNTAN LOTION.
YET TWO IS A PAIR BUT THREE IS A DELIGHT
SO IT WAS BACK TO THE BEDROOM WITH ALL THEIR MIGHT.
BY NOW DAD WAS CAPTAIN OF THE SQUASH TEAM
AND JUST TO PROVE HE HAD NOT RUN OUT OF STEAM
WILLIAM WAS PRODUCED IN THE YEAR ‘72
THE LAST OF THE KIDS - WELL, I THINK THAT’S TRUE.
WITH THE FAMILY SORTED THE POSTING WAS OVER.
FOR DAD IT WAS OFF TO WOKING IN THE CORPORATE ROVER
MUM, HOWEVER, HAD HER OWN SETTLE TO SCORE
SHE MUST WIN LADIES TENNIS, THAT’S FOR SURE.
SO IT WAS IN HASLEMERE THAT THE KIDS HAD THEIR EDUCATION.
THEY ALL ACHIEVED EXCELLENTLY, BEYOND COMMENDATION.
UNFORTUNATELY THEIR LIST OF BRILLIANCE IS JUST TOO LONG,
SO INSTEAD WE’LL MOVE STRAIGHT ON TO HONG KONG.
FORTUNATELY IN THE ORIENT THERE’S PLENTY OF WINE
AND WITH CHAUFFEURS AND MAIDS LIFE WAS EVER SO FINE.
WHO COULD BELIEVE THAT THIS COUPLE FROM SURREY
COULD DASH AROUND THE ORIENT IN SUCH A HURRY.
WITH PROJECT TRUST MUM USED TO DASH INTO CHINA
FOR THOSE KIDS SURELY THERE WAS A REP. NO FINER
SHE TREATED THOSE KIDS LIKE HER VERY OWN
PROBABLY BECAUSE HERS WERE OUT DRINKING & NOT YET HOME.
AFTER 35 LOYAL YEARS DAD DECIDED THEN TO RETIRE
FROM THENCE ON BAT HAS REALLY SUNK INTO THE MIRE.
AND NOW WAS A CHANCE FOR THE LEISURE HE’D MISSED
TO SIT AROUND ALL DAY AND GET TOTALLY PISSED.
MUM CONTINUED TO TURN THE HOUSE INTO A FARM
HIDING FROM THE I.C.A.C. WAS THE ONLY REAL ALARM.
AND WHEN THE WEATHER GOT TOO COLD AND GROTTY
IT WAS OFF TO AFRICA OR ASIA, BUT DEFINITELY NOT LANZAROTE.
DAD RESUMED HIS GOLF AND WAS BACK ON THE GREEN
SO MUCH SO, THAT HE IS RARELY SEEN
HE IS NOW TO GOLF WHAT HE WAS TO SQUASH
PLAYING ALL DAY, ONLY BREAKING FOR NOSH.
FOR US CHILDREN, WE HAVE NOW BEEN REPLACED BY CATS
THEY ARE TOTALLY SPOILT, ON THE FINEST SILK MATS.
THEY’VE EVEN REPLACED OUR SEATS AT THE TABLE
AND EVEN OUR BED. WE NOW SLEEP IN THE STABLE.
SO NOW - 30 YEARS LATER - THEY’RE STILL IN MARITAL BLISS
SURROUNDED BY GRANNY, CHICKS, HENS, DUCKS, EVEN CAT PISS
BUT I DON’T THINK THEY’D HAVE IT ANY OTHER WAY
SO PLEASE RAISE A GLASS TO TOAST THEIR DAY.
BUT THAT ALL CHANGED WHEN MUM WORE THE WHITE FROCK
OVER 30 YEARS AGO THEY BOTH SAID ‘ I DO’
AND 30 YEARS LATER THE WORDS STILL RING TRUE.
CHERRY BELINDA CAME FROM THE TOWN BOVEY TRACEY
IF SHE WAS BORN HERE NOW, SHE’D BE SHARON OR STACEY.
JAMES MARK WAS BORN IN A SMALL VILLAGE NEAR CALCUTTA
POPPADUMS AND CURRY WAS HIS BREAD AND BUTTER.
THEY THEN SETTLED IN LONDON LIKE THE ROMANTIC STORIES
DAD SELLING FAGS, MUM WORKING FOR THE TORIES
AND IN A BASEMENT FLAT THEY SCRIMPED AND SAVED
AND NOW LOOK AT THE DOSH THE OLD MAN HAS MADE.
A FEW YEARS WENT BY IN MARITAL BLISS
BUT LITTLE SCREECHERS THEY SOON DID MISS.
SO IT WAS WITH NO SURPRISE THAT IN THE YEAR 69
JULIUS JAMES JOINED THE AITKEN LINE.
A CURIOUS LITTLE CREATURE HE ADDED TO THE NOISE
AS THE ELDEST, HE WAS THE LUCKY SOD WITH ALL THE NEW TOYS
MUM WAS DELIGHTED AND MADE PLANS FOR A SECOND
DAD MORE CONCERNED WITH THE SQUASH MATCH THAT BECKONED.
BUT EMILY WAS PRODUCED WITH HEROIC BATTLE
THE ONLY KID THAT COULD OUTSCREAM THE RATTLE.
SO, THUS, WE CAME TO THE END OF THE YEAR ‘71
AND SOON THE YOUNG FAMILY WERE OFF TO THE SUN.
SO OFF IT WAS TO CYPRUS WITH DAD’S PROMOTION
KIDS, NAPPIES, TENNIS RACKETS AND SUNTAN LOTION.
YET TWO IS A PAIR BUT THREE IS A DELIGHT
SO IT WAS BACK TO THE BEDROOM WITH ALL THEIR MIGHT.
BY NOW DAD WAS CAPTAIN OF THE SQUASH TEAM
AND JUST TO PROVE HE HAD NOT RUN OUT OF STEAM
WILLIAM WAS PRODUCED IN THE YEAR ‘72
THE LAST OF THE KIDS - WELL, I THINK THAT’S TRUE.
WITH THE FAMILY SORTED THE POSTING WAS OVER.
FOR DAD IT WAS OFF TO WOKING IN THE CORPORATE ROVER
MUM, HOWEVER, HAD HER OWN SETTLE TO SCORE
SHE MUST WIN LADIES TENNIS, THAT’S FOR SURE.
SO IT WAS IN HASLEMERE THAT THE KIDS HAD THEIR EDUCATION.
THEY ALL ACHIEVED EXCELLENTLY, BEYOND COMMENDATION.
UNFORTUNATELY THEIR LIST OF BRILLIANCE IS JUST TOO LONG,
SO INSTEAD WE’LL MOVE STRAIGHT ON TO HONG KONG.
FORTUNATELY IN THE ORIENT THERE’S PLENTY OF WINE
AND WITH CHAUFFEURS AND MAIDS LIFE WAS EVER SO FINE.
WHO COULD BELIEVE THAT THIS COUPLE FROM SURREY
COULD DASH AROUND THE ORIENT IN SUCH A HURRY.
WITH PROJECT TRUST MUM USED TO DASH INTO CHINA
FOR THOSE KIDS SURELY THERE WAS A REP. NO FINER
SHE TREATED THOSE KIDS LIKE HER VERY OWN
PROBABLY BECAUSE HERS WERE OUT DRINKING & NOT YET HOME.
AFTER 35 LOYAL YEARS DAD DECIDED THEN TO RETIRE
FROM THENCE ON BAT HAS REALLY SUNK INTO THE MIRE.
AND NOW WAS A CHANCE FOR THE LEISURE HE’D MISSED
TO SIT AROUND ALL DAY AND GET TOTALLY PISSED.
MUM CONTINUED TO TURN THE HOUSE INTO A FARM
HIDING FROM THE I.C.A.C. WAS THE ONLY REAL ALARM.
AND WHEN THE WEATHER GOT TOO COLD AND GROTTY
IT WAS OFF TO AFRICA OR ASIA, BUT DEFINITELY NOT LANZAROTE.
DAD RESUMED HIS GOLF AND WAS BACK ON THE GREEN
SO MUCH SO, THAT HE IS RARELY SEEN
HE IS NOW TO GOLF WHAT HE WAS TO SQUASH
PLAYING ALL DAY, ONLY BREAKING FOR NOSH.
FOR US CHILDREN, WE HAVE NOW BEEN REPLACED BY CATS
THEY ARE TOTALLY SPOILT, ON THE FINEST SILK MATS.
THEY’VE EVEN REPLACED OUR SEATS AT THE TABLE
AND EVEN OUR BED. WE NOW SLEEP IN THE STABLE.
SO NOW - 30 YEARS LATER - THEY’RE STILL IN MARITAL BLISS
SURROUNDED BY GRANNY, CHICKS, HENS, DUCKS, EVEN CAT PISS
BUT I DON’T THINK THEY’D HAVE IT ANY OTHER WAY
SO PLEASE RAISE A GLASS TO TOAST THEIR DAY.